Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
