why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
