phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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