So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
