I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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