Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
