So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
