Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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