Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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