if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
