Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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