it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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