In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
