If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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