and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
