Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
