Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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