remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We had to coat check the pizza.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
