The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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