I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
