His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I party with great urgency now.
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