i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
