im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I AM VODKA MAN
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
