I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
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