how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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