Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
