Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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