Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
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Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize