I think scott just propositioned me for sex
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
