i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
