I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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