Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
