Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
