Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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