My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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