I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
