Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
