my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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