Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
