My sheets look like a crime scene.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
