Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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