fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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