I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
