could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
