One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
