Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
