i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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