i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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