dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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