I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
