They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
