I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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