You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
