For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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