Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
