when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
