This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
