last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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