u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
