I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He felt like a one man threesome
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
