He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
