I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
