omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
