I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
