My hand turned me down
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
