When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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